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Needs: Do Some People's Childhoods Set Them Up To Focus On Other People's Needs?

While there will be times where will be important for someone to focus on the needs of others, there will also be times when this isn't the case. This is not to say that one will need to spend half of their time being focused on other people's needs and half of their time being focused on their own - as it is not that black and white.

The most important thing will be for one to be aware of their needs, and for their life to be based around the fulfilment of these needs. One person could agree with this, and another could see this approach as being 'selfish'.

They could say that when someone focuses on their own needs they end up ignoring other people's needs. In their mind, it is not going to be possible for them to see how they can fulfil their own needs, and be there for others.

Two Options

As a result of this, they are going to focus on other people's needs and feel as though they are doing the right thing, or they will focus on their own needs and feel as though they are doing the wrong thing. One is then going to be 'selfless', or they will end up being 'selfish'.

But although there can appear to be only two options, with one being 'better' than the other, there is another option. And whether one comes across as though they are always there for themselves or always there for others, they are still putting themselves first.

Appearances

when one is always there for others, it can create the impression that they are putting their needs to one side. This is because people are judged based on what they do, and not on what is taking place within them.

Therefore, it won't matter what their true intentions are, and they will generally be seen as an example to follow. Yet, if someone was able to look at what is taking place within them, they are likely to see that there is more to their behaviour than meets the eye.

Approval

When one puts other people's needs before their own, it is going to allow them to receive their approval. On one side, it can seem as though they are ignoring their own needs, but on the other, it is clear that they are still fulfilling their needs.

The key distinction here is that they are not going to be focused on all of their needs; they are only going to be focused on their survival needs. Receiving approval from others is then not just something that makes them feel good; it is something they believe they need in order to exist.

One Option

If they were to embrace all of their needs and they were no longer obsessed with others people needs, it is going to be seen as a threat to their survival. This is not just going to be seen as something they believe, it is likely to be seen as the truth.

There is then going to be the mask that they show to the world, and then there is going to be the person behind the mask. On the outside, they may create impression that everything is fine, but this is likely to be in stark contrast to how they really feel.

Trapped

However, as they believe that they can only survive by pleasing others, it is not going to be possible for them to reveal their true self. But one won't have to feel as though their life is under threat in order to feel uncomfortable.

Before they even get to this point, they are going to feel guilty and ashamed for having needs. It then won't matter that there is nothing wrong with their needs, as they are going to feel as though it is not safe for them to have them.

The Ideal

Having needs is part of being human, and just because someone embraces them, it doesn't mean they will ignore other people needs. What it does man is that they will be able to live a life that is worth living.

For it is through fulfilling one's own needs, that they will be able to full the needs of others. This then allows them to be there for others without having to end up running on empty.

Another Angle

And while it is easy to believe that one is 'selfish' for putting their needs first and 'selfless' for putting other people needs first, there is more to it. For example, if one focuses on their own needs and creates something, it is going to enable them to fulfil other people needs.

Whereas, if one was to focus on others and didn't fulfil their need to create something, they are not going to be able to fill other people's needs. This shows how important it is for one to take care of their own needs.

Focused

So if one was to let go of their need to focus on other people needs, they are going to feel as though their time on this earth will soon come to an end. It is then not possible for one to be an individual; they have to be who others want them to be.

The support that they need from others will be seen as something that will only appear if they do what they want. However, while this is likely to be what is normal, it is not something that 'just happened'.

Childhood

Their younger years will have been a time where their needs were ignored, and they would have ended up taking care of the needs of the people around them. At this time, it would have been something one needed to do to survive.

One would have ended up disconnecting from their own needs, and gradually developed the ability to focus on their caregivers needs. It wouldn't have mattered that their true self had to go into hiding, and this is because they needed to be accepted.

Awareness

This is then going to mean that one's developmental needs were not met, and is going to mean that although they look like an adult, they are not going to feel like one. They were expected to act like an adult before they even had the chance to act like a child.

In order to move forward, it will be important for one to grieve their unmet childhood needs, and to be affirmed for who they are. This is something that can take place with the assistance of a therapist or a healer.

Prolific writer, thought leader and coach, Oliver JR Cooper hails from the United Kingdom. His insightful commentary and analysis covers all aspects of human transformation; love, partnership, self-love, and inner awareness. With over several hundred in-depth articles highlighting human psychology and behavior, Oliver offers hope along with his sound advice. Current projects include "A Dialogue With The Heart" and "Communication Made Easy."

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/9011185
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What Prevents You From Loving Yourself?

How often is the question, "What is loving to myslf and others - what is in my highest good and the highest good of another?" the question that guides your actions? Is there something in the way of you asking this question? What is the fear that gets in the way of loving yourself?

Ethan's fear is that "If I open to loving, I will be weak and then easily taken advantage of. I might lose my sharpness in business and then lose money. Business people will see that I'm a soft touch and run right over me."

Ethan's wounded self does not believe that if his strong, spiritually connected loving adult is in charge, he will be more powerful than he is now. He does not believe that by being tuned into his spiritual Guidance, he will be able to know when someone is trying to take advantage of him, and when someone is coming from integrity. Because Ethan spends most of his time trying to control, he does not have faith in his spiritual Guidance. He is afraid to open, afraid it will lead him astray, afraid of losing what he has. As a result, Ethan spends most of his life in stress, leading to physical and emotional pain. He is unhappy with this, but not unhappy enough to risk opening to loving. He is stuck.

Alexis is stuck in her cycle of anger at her husband. In her mind, she knows that her controlling, blaming anger is pushing him away, yet she fears that "If I let go of the control, he will end up making a fool of me. The only way I can be safe from him doing something behind my back, like having an affair, is to keep a tight rein on him." Alexis' husband, Noah, has been staying away more and more, and coming home later and later. He doesn't want to be around the anger. The more he stays away, the angrier Alexis gets. She is terrified to let go and see what will happen. Having a huge abandonment issue, and not doing the inner work to take care of herself, she is very afraid he will leave her. Rather than risk this, she keeps doing the very thing that pushes Noah away, while her fears continue to grow.

Connor is constantly holding back his love with his wife, Madison. When Madison comes with an open heart and loving eyes, Connor shrinks back from even looking at her. "If I look at her and open to her, it feels as if she will suck out my very soul and have total control over me. I just get so terrified of completely losing myself. I feel bad because I know how much I hurt Madison with my withholding, but I can't seem to stay open to loving her or loving myself." Conner does not believe that if he opens to loving, he will have a powerful enough adult that he cannot be taken over and controlled.

Each of these people are terrified at losing something - losing themselves, losing the other, losing face, losing money, losing power. None of them have the faith that if they open to loving themselves and others, they will be supported by the vast power of Spirit. None of them are willing to risk opening to loving and seeing what happens. As a result, they cannot create a strong enough connection with their spiritual Guidance to know that their fears are not based on truth, but on their false beliefs.

Two things would need to happen for them to change:

1. They would need to be willing to risk having their worst fears happen. Until they are willing to find out whether or not their fears are based on truth, they will be stuck avoiding them. When they finally say, "Okay, if I'm abandoned, made a fool of, taken advantage of or completely controlled by another, so be it. Living this way isn't working so I'm willing to see what will happen if I open," then they will open to learning and loving.
2. When they decide that the spiritual journey of becoming a loving human being is more important than whether or not they are hurt, rejected, controlled, or made a fool of, then they will open. As long as they believe that the earthly journey of getting and controlling is more important than the spiritual journey of learning and loving, they will stay stuck.

Your soul remembers your spiritual journey. Your soul yearns to love and share love. Your soul yearns for the lightness of being that comes from opening to love. If you diligently practice Inner Bonding, you will eventually connect with the deep desires of your soul and open your heart.

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?" and "Healing Your Aloneness." She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com

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